In Western culture and many other cultures throughout the world, a large number of us have been taught from a very young age to conceal distress and discomfort from those around us.

As children when sadness showed up, we were quickly told “you’re okay” and we were expected to “suck it up” even when it was apparent that we did not feel okay nor were we ready to move on in the slightest!

Worse yet, some were told to stop the unwelcome tears immediately or we would be made to cry for a more worthy cause. For some, the experience of sadness, fear, despair, anger, frustration, or even hysterical laughter may have been met with intolerance and a need to conceal ourselves in order to remain connected and accepted by those who were meant to provide for our emotional care.

Most have been told verbally and have been shown through the behaviour of others, (even by our primary attachment figures), that being vulnerable when in the company of others is burdensome and uncomfortable and ultimately unacceptable.

The belief system that develops out of these teachings and experiences often leads to loneliness, shame, denial and almost always avoidance that costs us in our relationships, injures our overall well-being, and leaves us unwell and confused about why we feel so terrible.

The idea that our emotions are the enemy ultimately translates into behaviours that equal the abandonment of ourselves as each of us struggle to ward off the next surge of emotions that show up uninvited and unwanted. Yet many of us remain unaware of how our own underlying invisible beliefs are robbing us of a full, and vibrant life.  

Because of these early teachings and belief systems that have been imposed on us, it is not shocking that I encounter many individuals who are left unaware of their emotional and physical responses and how these impact their overall behaviour and wellbeing. The world has become rampant with individuals who are suffering with anxiety and depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and actions, and an overall feeling of disconnection and loneliness. This is often layered with an intense and desperate need to hide the very real struggles that plague us due to the internal onslaught of a self-sabotaging inner critic, misplaced shame, and self-blame that develops out of an inability to make painful thoughts and emotions go away.  

Self-regulation and the ability to notice our own thoughts and feelings, while choosing behaviours that lead us to the life that we are desperately seeking, are skills that do not come naturally but they can be learned with practice. As humans, we will never be free of emotions nor will we be free of the discomfort or elation that emotional experiences often evoke, however we can learn to turn towards ourselves, and to respond to our own needs with compassion and care. If you are interested in this journey, I am here waiting to join you. Reach out if you are interested in having a supportive guide along the way.

 

Written by Ladona Pinder MACP, RCC, RSW, BCRPT